Most of us are babies; big babies in ageing bodies. We have a vast array of needs that we are constantly trying to meet. Just as a new-born needs milk and affection, we too have physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual and intellectual needs. Often when we enter relationship, we attempt to satiate those needs through and with our partner. While on the one hand, this can be a beautiful and enriching experience, mismanaged, it can lead to irreparable relationship damage. Here are the 2 big relationship killers.
1. Un-communicated expectationsÂ
If your partner expects you to visit the in-laws every Sunday but that is your day to catch up with friends, this may cause perpetual tension. Your partner is not a mind reader and vice versa. Even if you grew up in the same country, culture and suburb, we each have a very unique set of ideas and expectations around relationship from our personal experience. It is important that two individuals discuss at length these issues and figure out what they expect from each other, the direction of the relationship and their values. In an equal relationship, there shouldn’t be rules, but mutual agreements freely made by both parties. That is the strongest form of union and equality.
2. Unmet needs
Maybe you are craving more time by yourself, swimming in the ocean. Perhaps you want more intellectual stimulation. You may be yearning for more touch. We are constantly changing and evolving, and as we do, our needs change. The person you married 20 years ago is rarely the one that stands before you today. It is vital to stay in touch with the current version of the person you are with. It’s best to have these conversations first, as unmet needs can be the start of a slippery slope to unsavory behaviours. Ask your partner what their needs are, check in with yourself about what you need and intentionally make time and effort to work towards helping each other achieve them. If it’s time to schedule a romantic getaway or weekend with the girls, go do it!
Over and over I see these two issues crippling relationships, so here are my top tips to not becoming another sad statistic. Let’s start with a commitment to honesty and transparency as our core values for relating. From there, we can draw on 5 tools.
1. Become self-aware.
2. Communicate your needs.
3. Communicate your expectations.
4. Communicate your boundaries.
5. Make agreements (not compromises).
Unlike the Hollywood vision, most of us know we don’t just ride off into the sunset. Real relationships take work, time, maintenance, nurturing, love and a whole lot of patience and empathy. Imagine building a house without consulting any architects, engineers, plumbers or builders. While you could give it a go yourself, perhaps watch a couple of DIY YouTube videos, you wouldn’t expect the house to stay standing, certainly not through turbulent weather. Great relationships are the same. They are best built by design and with the consultation of professionals if you are seeking to build a strong foundational structure that will not just last a lifetime, but will be the home of your dreams.
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