When Your Smartphone Becomes the Third Wheel
While many couples grapple with the gray areas of defining infidelity, there is an
uninvited guest lurking in your living room, seductively slipping into your bed, whispering
sweet notifications in your ear and lighting you up at all moments of the day. Yes, I’m
talking about your phone. As tech becomes more integrated in our lives, our relationship
to it deepens. But has it gone too far? Is your phone the third wheel or are you? This
war on attention can leave partners feeling like they’re competing for the spotlight even
within their own relationship.
Imagine this: you’re at a romantic dinner, there’s mood music and candlelight flickering
softly, you’re gazing into your partner’s eyes, about to pour your heart out, and then...
ding! Your phone buzzes with the allure of an unread email or a tantalizing social media
update. Who could it be? What do they want? What’s going on? Just like that, your
hand reaches and snap, the magic is broken, the moment is gone. Your partner sighs,
looks out the window and begrudgingly waits for you to refocus your attention back on
them.
This scene is all too familiar. With an infinite stream of news, entertainment, updates
and stimulation, our over-connectedness can have a tendency to pull us out of the lives
we are actually living and away from the people we love the most. So can a phone be a
third wheel? Is it normal to feel jealous over this?
Well, relationship therapists John & Julie Gottman have spent over 40 years
researching what makes relationships work. One of the key takeaways from the
research was around a concept called ‘bids for connection’. When your partner initiates
a conversation, makes a comment, seeks out touch, intimacy or sex, these are all seen
as bids, attempts or offers to connect with you. One of the single most determining
factors of relationship success is how often you lean into these bids for connection.
People who go the distance and report strong relationship satisfaction lean in around
85% of the time. Once a couple starts to drop below 50% the harder it becomes and the
more unsatisfying the relationship feels.
When partners lean in, a person feels loved, seen, cared for, nurtured and supported.
Conversely, when partners turn away, it can leave a person feeling unloved, ignored,
unimportant, dismissed, neglected and rejected. The compounding of these negative
feelings can build up quickly and lead to emotional distancing, anger and resentment.
Given this understanding, it makes perfect sense why someone might feel angry,
jealous, threatened or frustrated about their partner’s phone use. Furthermore, it’s not
uncommon for it to feel personal as it can trigger our rejection wounds; I can’t believe
you’re choosing your phone over me!
It is sadly ironic that in our quest to stay connected, we can disconnect from the person
right in front of us. And let’s not forget that these machines have been designed and
built with every intention to keep us addicted, and this is a war of attrition. Without
mindful awareness and boundaries, the constant barrage of information of tech bids for
our attention can have seriously damaging effects on our emotional bonds. Even if it’s
15 minutes a day, make sure to make time for flight mode, where you disconnect from
tech and re-connect in a meaningful way to your special person.
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