The dating trend that scars hearts
You don’t need first hand experience to have heard some of the horror stories of online dating.
From cat-fishing to hat-fishing, zombieing and breadcrumbing, there are many ways to end up
perpetually disappointed. Though the most common and impactful of them all is the ghost.
Being ghosted means that after having contact with a person, sometimes even a relationship,
without warning that person suddenly disappears. By disappearing, I mean ceases all contact
with you.
Why is ghosting so devastating?
If you are genuinely using dating apps with the hope of finding someone special, you are putting
yourself out there, being vulnerable and taking a risk. Not only does it require courage, but the
risk is that you may get hurt. When a person suddenly withdraws from emotional engagement, it
can leave the other person feeling lost, confused, upset and angry. Furthermore it can erode
their confidence, impact their esteem and reinstate their defenses. Ghosting can do significant
emotional damage that makes it harder for someone to trust and connect in the future.
Why don’t people communicate?
There are many reasons why people don’t communicate but it often has to do with a lack of
something, whether that be self-awareness, emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills,
communication skills, distress tolerance, empathy, time or willingness, or a combination of the
above. Ghosting is a cop-out to remove oneself from an engagement with another.
Why is it so common these days?
The intersection of technology and dating is fairly new. Sites like RSVP and Plenty of Fish
launched around 2000 and apps like Tinder, Hinge & Bumble in the early 2010s. Prior to the
turn of the century we relied on meeting people at work, social events, mutual friends, family,
school and community sport. We used to rely on our social networks for vetting and
accountability.
If someone treated you poorly, news would travel back to the network and there would likely be
social ramifications. Put simply, you couldn’t just be a jerk and get away with it. Nowadays, we
match strangers who through the veil of anonymity are afforded the ability to act without integrity or consequence. We no longer have that buffer of social insurance and most people who have recently dated will have first hand experience of how emotionally dangerous that is.
What to know if you get ghosted?
Firstly, ghosting is not a reflection of you. Ghosting is an insidious and ambiguous personal
rejection that leaves the recipient with no clarity or closure. Ghosting is a reflection of the
ghost’s lack of interpersonal skills, awareness, accountability and integrity. If someone didn’t
have the courage or heart to be transparent with you, that’s on them. You deserve better.
Secondly and sadly, it is not uncommon in today’s dating landscape. Nobody likes hard
conversations, and with low investment and accountability, it is often the default option. Don’t
take it personally. It’s just a sign of the times. Though remember to treat the hearts of others as
though they were your own.
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