In 2002, Avril Lavigne opened her smash hit Sk8r Boi with the iconic lyrics “he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?” While this line was undoubtedly catchy, it highlights a subtle truth that steeped in our culture is a deep underlying assumption that people are heterosexual. Until very recently there was little diversity and representation of anything other than heterosexuality in cinema, media and music culture. Even that which was portrayed often carried themes of stigma, shame and immorality. With more awareness around gay rights, equality, gender and identity, we are seeing an expanse of language used to reflect human sexuality. So let’s take a moment to get everyone up to speed and define some key terms that can be used to describe a person’s sexual orientation.
In this article, sexual orientation will be defined as: “experiences sexual attraction to…”
Heterosexual –the opposite sex
Homosexual –the same sex
Gay – the same sex
Lesbian – women
Bisexual –both men and women
Queer - those who are not heterosexual (umbrella term)
Pansexual – people (regardless of biology/gender expression)
Asexual – nobody (low or absent sexual desire or interest)
Demisexual – a person with whom they have an emotional bond
Sapiosexual - a person with whom they have an intellectual bond
These terms are strictly speaking about what sexually attracts one person to another. This is not a conversation around personal identity (gender expression or trans), philosophy (what constitutes a man or woman/intersex) or relationship structure (monogamy/polyamory/open/don’t ask don’t tell).
Stay tuned as these topics will all be discussed in future frogmouths. Let’s also not forget that this is an incredibly nuanced subject and there can be many factors and variables that influence attraction. The beauty of a more expansive vocabulary is that it can help us better understand ourselves in relation to intimacy, who we are attracted to and why. It can also help us seek out a more compatible partner as we become aware of our needs in relationship.
For some, this conversation may be easy to dismiss, especially if you grew up in a time where there was no choice. However, it is incredibly relevant to the modern world as we continue to create a culture and climate of inclusion and diversity. Furthermore for parents, it is imperative to be across the language that reflects how people identify today.
Imagine if someone assumed your name was Jack, and called you Jack. The first time, it’s probably no big deal, but the third, fourth, and twentieth time, it’s probably going to get on your nerve. Having to constantly correct people by saying “my name’s not Jack, it’s actually”… is really annoying and also becomes disrespectful. This is how it can feel when people have to constantly explain themselves, disclose their orientation or correct others for their inaccurate assumptions.
Sexual orientation is a private matter and non-hetero people shouldn’t have to constantly disclose or correct. For some, sexuality can be a journey of self-discovery. One simple thing we can all do to help cultivate an inclusive culture is use gender neutral terms like partner or spouse. It shows respect without butting your head into people’s bedrooms. These terms are here to help us better understand ourselves, not to be used as instruments for judging or shaming. And honestly, if it’s not your sexuality, is it really any of your business?
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