In 1984, Foreigner boldly asked to know what love is and he wanted us to show him. Almost a decade later, pop music still hadn’t figured it out and Haddaway continued to beg the question “what is love? baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more”. Fast forward 30 years and I’m here to offer you a perspective on what love is, and more importantly, what love isn’t.
Let’s start with the basics. English has limited vocabulary to express emotion, making it challenging to articulate exactly what we mean. We need to start differentiating between love the verb and love the noun. Forgot second grade English? A noun is a thing, or in this case a feeling and a verb is an action or doing word.
Love as a noun can be described as a positive sentiment towards another human or a feeling of deep affection. This type of love actually has nothing to do with the other person. Grammatically, you would say “I have so much love for her”. This expresses the emotion you feel for another. This can be totally one sided. You could arguably have love for someone who doesn’t even know you. You can also have love for people who may have hurt you.
Love as a verb can be described as an action that expresses your positive sentiment or affection towards another person. For example: cooking their favourite dinner, giving a massage, driving them to school, remembering birthdays, planning romantic getaways. Different relationships will cause you to act, to love in different ways. In 1995, Robyn was onto this when she wrote “so baby if you want me…you’ve got to show me love. The words are so easy to say. You’ve got to show me love!” These little acts of service are micro declarations of love.
So why is this distinction so important?
1. Many people are told they are loved but they don’t feel it.
2. Inconsistent messaging can leave people confused, upset, angry, and in extreme cases gas-lit.
3. Relationships based on others constantly meeting your needs is not love, it is more likely a combo of expectation, obligation and co-dependence.
4. People can get lazy in relationship and may still have the feeling of love but have stopped making the effort with action. This is a quick relationship fix. Do something to show it!
5. Some people don’t like to or find it difficult to say the words “I love you”, but instead they show it.
6. Having love for someone has nothing to do with how you treat them. There is no accountability around your actions or ethics. Loving someone as a verb, will require you to be better and live to a higher set of values. Your actions will define you.
Lastly, to have true love for another lies in wanting their happiness and well-being independent of you. So, now I invite you to think about those you love and how you see your relationship to them. Are your words and actions congruent? Do the people around you feel loved? Do you feel loved? Are there any other ways you want to express your love? In the meantime, I’ll fax Foreigner and let him know we figured it out.
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