How being self-nurturing can create optimum relationship conditions
In relation to others, why does it seem like you can only be described in one of two ways? Either you’re selfish; too concerned with your own well-being and lacking care for others, or you’re selfless; putting your own needs secondary to people around you. As I trolled the internet, hungry for a word to meet my needs, it occurred to me that maybe we, the English language, lacked the word I was after. How can we know where to set the healthy relation bar if we don’t even have a word that explains what it is? So here it is, I’m coining it now; self-nurturing –
an adjective to describe a person who takes care of themselves, their well-being, is still considerate and compassionate towards others just in a way that is boundaried and not at the expense of themselves.
It is so easy to lose touch with your own identity in relationship. It’s common cultural practice to identify emotionally and psychologically as one (we), entangle finances, cohabitate, share a last name, and bear children, to name a few. While it often begins as romantic and wanted, this merging of two can also lead to suffocation and distress. With a new couple identity, we can lose sight of ourselves and our personal responsibilities. Being a self- nurturing person is not an act of selfishness, but devotional love to ensure that the infrastructure of your relationship (and you!) are built to last. Here are a few ways you can be more self-nurturing and how they can
help.
1) Your happiness is your responsibility. Too often we shaft off personal responsibility to our partners. We can be quick to blame and shame. Your happiness is yours to take care of, so do it.
2) Take care of your needs. Your partner is not your parent. It’s imperative that you meet your own needs as much as you can otherwise you risk developing a parent-child dynamic which makes intimacy very complicated.
3) Nurture the friends you had before the relationship. Spend time with your friends without your partner. You had them before and you probably want them after it ends. Nurture them.
4) Say no to your partner. When you don’t want to do something, be honest and transparent. If you build a habit of saying yes when you really want to say no, you end up becoming resentful towards them which leaks out sideways later. Also, when your partner knows you can say no, it means they can trust your yes.
5) Keep having new experiences with and without them. Stagnation is a relationship killer, but often people are not enriching their lives in any department. Try a new hobby, start learning a language. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to do but fear has been in the way. This will keep you invigorated and will bring fresh air to the relationship.
6) Regulate yourself. Practice mindfulness, meditation, journaling, swimming, yoga etc. The more grounded and centered you are, the more you will be able to show up for your partner. Remember, your partner is not a toilet for your emotional dumping. Don’t sh*t where you eat.
Perhaps it’s obvious and a bit clichéd but the airplane oxygen metaphor is true; you’ve got to put on your mask first. I’ve seen too many couples metaphorically pass out in relationship because they were trying to fix, change, alter or do for their partner and forgot about themselves. When applied, all of these steps can help you pro- actively safe guard against relationship burn out, resentment, stagnation, contempt, boredom and intimacy droughts. Through personal responsibility, self-nurture and compassion, you can move from relational surviving to
relationship thriving.
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