How many times have you been slightly annoyed, made a passing comment and had it blowup into a massive fight? Sound familiar? I bet sometimes you’re even having the same fight over and over. Perpetual arguments are exhausting and leave both parties and the relationship completely depleted. It’s even more frustrating when it feels like the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Perhaps you said one small thing and your partner just loses it. It’s easy for things to get blown out of proportion, but what is actually going on under the surface? Let’s break down an example.
Imagine Jennie exasperatingly says to Mike “you left your dirty clothes on the floor…again!” Jennie rolls her eyes. Mark aggressively replies saying “this is my house; I’ll do what I want when I want. You’re always on my back telling me what to do, giving me orders, I’m sick of it”. Jennie gets defensive and starts yelling “I’m not telling you what TO DO, I’m telling you what you DID DO!” Mark even more riled up responds by saying “everything I do is wrong, I can’t do anything right!” and the escalation continues until one party gives in or walks out. Escalations can seriously disrupt the nervous system and unfold at lightning speed. To understand argument escalation, we need to understand what is being received by the listener.
When people react, especially when the reaction seems disproportionate to the current situation, they are usually carrying an experience from the past that has not been resolved. Any present situation will likely cause them to respond with more ferocity. Furthermore, if a person has some impaired core beliefs, and a present comment triggers them, they will likely have a heightened response. So when Jennie says “you left your dirty clothes on the floor”, what Mike may hear and is “you are incapable, you are incompetent, you are lazy, you are a child”. If he hears this, he will emotionally respond to this as a personal attack.
Mark will probably attempt to assert and prove himself as a capable and competent adult in control of his life, thus replying with something like “this is my house; I’ll do what I want”. Instinctively Jennie will attack to defend herself and correct him. This correction will exacerbate Mark’s feelings of incompetence, inadequacy and unworthiness resulting in an even deeper defense to protect himself by expressing “everything I do ids wrong, I can’t do anything right”. Rather than it being in an open and vulnerable delivery, it will most likely come across as hostile. The two individuals are in different conversations. Jennie is trying to address a tangible issue in the present while Mark is trying to defend his worthiness and adequacy as a person. No wonder they don’t see eye to eye!
All of us have sensitivities around our core beliefs. Our reactivity and defensiveness is proportionate to how fearful we are of the belief being true and being exposed. The key to functional communication is understanding what the listener feels you are implying about them and being empathetic to any sensitivities they may have. If you can identify that, you can re-assure them, reduce tension and make space to address the issue at hand.
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