To understand the modern epidemic of heartache, we must first zoom out and consider two keys aspects that have changed the way we relate to one another. Firstly, when we look at the history of marriage, reasons for engagement were most often to consolidate wealth or increase status, social power or access to resources. People married to have a better life. It wasn’t so long ago that the number of pigs you owned was a key factor in determining who you would spend the rest of your life with. The idea of marrying for romantic love is a very new concept in the grand scheme of things.
Secondly, we need to consider our own evolution. In the 1880s, life expectancy in Australia was around 50 years. As such, people partnered up, raised children, had a couple of years to relax and then they died. Life was simple. In less than 150 years, we have seen the life expectancy increase by more than 60% (over 30 years!). These two factors cannot be understated when trying to understand modern relationships.
So, what happens to a society that bases its relationships on romantic love when we have an extra 30 years to live? What happens after we raise the children and realize we are no longer in love with our spouse? What happens if we fall in love with someone else? We are currently amidst this uncharted social and evolutionary territory, and one unexpected and savage consequence we face is the suffering of heartache. Not only are we a pain avoidant species, we have such little capacity for heartache because of our lack of exposure, limited skill set in emotional regulation and toxic culture around romantic co-dependence. When we broadcast a belief that we need another person to complete us, the fallout when they leave us can thrust us into an a deep and dark existential crisis.
If you have ever had the experience of the person you love turning around and saying “I don’t want to be with you anymore, or I don’t love you anymore” you may know the blinding pain of having your heart ripped out of your chest, the air sucked out of your lungs all whilst being repeatedly punched in the gut. Breakups, separations and divorces often cause deep despair, confusion, pain, depression, anger and loneliness, and though the experience is all too common, we are yet to find a cure for this condition.
To make matters more troublesome, the impact of technology on romantic relationships has shifted the landscape of dating into one of superficiality and disposability. The frequency and intensity of rejection that people now face is at unprecedented levels, and the cost of the casual swipe is the collective erosion of self-esteem amongst men and women alike. The de-personalization of apps makes it easy to forget that behind most profiles there is a real person and the sheer mass of potential mates makes it impossible for us to have the time to care. Ironically, this de-humanization leads us further away from the thing we truly crave; genuine love, connection and intimacy.
Infinite possibility and limited emotional capacity is a Michelin star recipe for existential pain. This article serves as a reminder that we are currently amidst a great social experiment and nobody really knows how to handle long lives, romantic loves and multiple heartaches. As always, I invite you to keep your heart open, empathy flowing and be gentle to your fellow human.
Comments